I don’t ever really get on here. I suppose there are multiple reasons. I wouldn’t bother getting on now since no one reads this stupid thing, except my sister who called me out for never updating. Hi LeeAnna.
I suppose I simply don’t have a lot to say. That’s not true. I actually don’t have anything to say that I want on record for other people to read. Especially if the only person reading is the aforementioned sister. Hi again, LeeAnna.
We all have those moments when we look over our lives, however long they may be, and think “wow…what a giant pile of crap I’ve created out of my (insert the proper amount) years on this planet. I mean, I could have slept through the whole damn thing and probably would have been more productive and useful”. All the little things we thought we wanted to do, to be, to have, they either fizzled into unachieved dreams or worse, we did achieve them. And they suck. The insignificant excess we thought we required has done nothing but continue to drag us down and reveal to ourselves and the world that our purpose here is to consume. And then when we aren’t fulfilled by those items/goals/selfish-ambitions, we create a blog on tumblr, give it a pretentious name, and point out our shortcomings as if that somehow makes us more “respectable”.
Yes, I’m a wreck of a man. I’m a shell of a human being. I accept that fact and continue on. I am enlightened.
Yeah, I used the term poppycock. You jumped back in time to the 1920’s and somehow managed to bring a working computer…but I digress.
Do you see where I’m going with this? If you do, by all means, tell me and stop reading. Because the last 1.5 minutes are a perfect example of wasting life. And I honestly don’t have any clue what I’m saying, I won’t read this later, and it’s all going to be one big mess.
After a full quarter of a century in the bag, I’m able to say with complete confidence that I haven’t figured a damn thing out. I thought I knew what I wanted here. But every day, something new is introduced into your life that changes the plan. An opportunity, a place, a shiny new toy, or even a person. And you realize when you see it that all this time, you really wanted THAT, you just didn’t know about it yet. Then you get it, and you’re more unhappy than ever because now it’s still wrong and you’ve wasted that much more precious time.
Or worse, you do get what you wanted for a fleeting moment in time and then you lose it. I can’t think of anything more cruel than getting a taste of perfection and throwing it out the window, accidental though it may be. “Hello starving man, would you like a bite of this steak? It’s fantastic, and after you’ve tasted it, I will give it to this portly gentleman so he can eat it in front of you.” What’s even better is, now the starving man knows EXACTLY what he has been looking for, and he gets to watch it in the hands of someone else. And everyone assumes the portly gentleman is just better and more deserving. Nice car, plenty of money, good education, etc. The world says that person is better. So he gets the prize. That’s just how it goes I guess.
Well I’m starving. Withering to nothing and blowing away in the wind.
Everyone has the same reaction when someone tells you something like that. “Then DO something about it!” Man, I’ve said that to so many people only to end up in the exact same spot. That’s the worst thing you could possibly say. Do you know how difficult that is? I would LOVE to do something about it, the problem is I DON’T KNOW WHAT THE HELL TO DO. Not in the existential “do we ever really know?” kind of way. Not in the “Take the leap and hope for the best” kind of way. The actual “I-Can’t-Figure-Out-Why-In-God’s-Name-He-Put-Me-Here” style of not knowing. Why go try to change my circumstance and then find out I don’t like that circumstance any better? Isn’t it hollow? Isn’t it selfish? Ultimately, isn’t it pathetic??
There’s only really been one desire of mine that I’m certain of, and unfortunately, I don’t believe I will ever see that until I figure things out on a grand scale. I have to know who I’m supposed to be first.
“Give it to God” I keep hearing. Okay God, it’s Yours. It has been for the last 3 years. I’m just sitting her in neutral, or riding the ski lift up and down the mountain, or on a boat in the stagnant ocean waiting for the tide. Pick your useless analogy. An answer would be nice.
And don’t you dare try and tell me I haven’t really given it to Him. I have. This is a lesson in patience. And it’s a lesson I need, because I am clearly not patient.
But to spend so much time watching all of my friends and family working toward something, proud of who they are, where they’ve been, and where they’re going, and just wondering how that must feel…it’ll get you where it hurts. It’s been a long time. I don’t want to wait until I’m 50 to make a difference. There I am again. Selfish. That’s not what I want… Man, this is cyclical.
All I’ve been trying to do lately is fill up other people’s balloons (it’s a church analogy, but the idea is simple enough). Just focus on making other people happy. It can be rewarding I guess. But good Lord, I could use a little pull of helium from the tank right about now. I guess we all could.
I wrote something resembling a song the other day. It’s been a while. The only lines that flowed free and clear without much thought were “25 years spent on dreaming. 25 without a thing to show”. I guess I just wish that I knew I mattered… I’m not sure even that would do the trick, but to go back to that balloon analogy…puffff…
I did get a compliment from a girl I hardly know. She told me she’s alive because I was nice to her when she was struggling. She had every intention of killing herself, and at just the right moment, I allegedly listened when she needed to be heard. I don’t know if I buy it, but it was a nice reminder that maybe I’m doing someone some good somewhere. Maybe it’s just her. Maybe that’s all it will ever be. But, if it’s really true and she really is alive because God moved in my heart to take a moment and listen… I guess that would be enough for one lifetime. A life for a life.
I’ll take it.
See? I guess tumblr can be useful. I was able to encourage myself. …hooray…